Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Although the cynics are likely to wait a few more weeks before stowing the snow shovels and the sidewalk salt, we are beginning to engage in many of the other rites of Spring.
This past weekend we (grudgingly) moved all of the clocks forward an hour and changed the batteries in our smoke alarms. The really diligent among us probably changed the batteries in the clocks too, but I don’t want to talk about those people because I find their fastidious habits to be quite annoying.
Happily, there are a mere 20 days left before Easter candy goes on deep discount. Parka-free backyard grilling returns. I can actually walk the dog rather than standing behind a partially closed door, allowing only my arm with the leash to be exposed to the elements.
Spring training is in full swing (see what I did there?) and the NCAA basketball tournament tips off tonight when two schools from marginal conferences will battle 40 grueling minutes for the honor of being pounded into submission by a #1 seed two days later. This is for all intents and purposes the same thing as winning the praying mantis version of “The Bachelorette.”
For the 25th consecutive Spring, the USFL will not satiate the football-hungry among us. One can only imagine where the Boston-New Orleans-Portland Breakers would be playing by now – Toledo? Fargo? Halifax?
And, much to my wife’s chagrin, my plaid golf pants will once again emerge from the closet. Ditto the spousal-cringe-inducing white bucks.
The vernal equinox also ushers in a new set of climatological nuisances. We move away from wind chill factors, winter weather advisories and corrosive street slush. In their place come the flash floods, hail measured in various classifications of legumes, coins and sporting equipment, and, of course, tornadoes.
Yes friends, tornado season is back; that magical time when a third of our television screens are obscured by maps of the Bi-State area tattooed with a multicolored mosaic of blinking pixels, when Dave Murray jockeys with Simon Cowell on Channel 2 while Channel 5’s primetime viewers debate for themselves who has the better hairdo – Cindy Preszler or The Donald.
As I’m sure you’re well aware, last week was Severe Weather Awareness Week in Missouri. And, as I’m sure you’re also well aware, the statewide tornado drill that was supposed to take place last Tuesday was postponed . . . . due to the threat of severe weather.
This, of course, begs the radical question: why schedule a statewide tornado drill during a month when tornadoes are expected to strike? Would it be too much to push the drill up to February so that we can have our duck-and-cover skills perfected by the time the tornadoes, trailer park maps in hand, emerge from wherever tornadoes hibernate and set out on their annual Midwestern excursions?
Perhaps whoever plans these events is concerned that February drills might have to be postponed due to snow. I really don’t have an answer as I don’t profess to have vast knowledge of the way these weather things work. Maybe I could ask Clif St. James when he’s not busy eating ice cream sundaes at retirement villages or cashing those fat Corky’s Colorama royalty checks.
And while we’re on the subject of wind (tornadoes, that is; not you, Clif), you may have noticed that the winds of change are blowing here at the Globe. I am expanding this column’s perspective beyond the world of commerce, transitioning from humble business writer to The Raconteur. Being a bit of a business news junkie, I’m sure a few items of commercial interest will occasionally work their way into future columns but my overall focus is broadening.
One would think having a larger array of topics at my disposal would make my job easier, however it is actually quite a challenge. I liken it to explaining Olympic Biathlon to my five-year-old daughter.
“Daddy, what are they doing”
“They’re skiing and then shooting guns and then skiing some more.”
“Daddy, I thought shooting guns was bad.”
“No, honey; they’re not shooting people. They’re shooting at a target.”
“But Daddy, there’s people in Target.”
“Uh, let’s watch curling”
Although we’re moving to a wider focused lens, most of the same policies I adhered to for “On Commerce” will remain in force.
You won’t find “hard news” analysis here; I’ll let Alvin Reid continue to exercise his dominion over that department here at the Globe. (That being said, Alvin, I’d be more than happy to rep our fine publication any time you feel like sitting out a taping of “Donnybrook.”)
I’m also not one for politics. I had more than my fair share of that growing up in Jefferson City and spending three very enjoyable summers interning for one of the great characters in the history of Missouri politics, State Treasurer Wendell Bailey.
Finally, I promise not to leave you depressed – unless I really bomb. Hopefully the editorial staff will provide a sufficient screen against that. So, if a week goes by without hearing from The Raconteur, you’ll know what happened.
And so we move forward. New column; new opportunities, same smart-alecky columnist. Springtime is a season to celebrate new growth, and hopefully my growth as a columnist will be something worth celebrating. As I tend to my new garden of words and thoughts so too must I now tend to my front yard which is resplendent with colorful, springlike bursts of orange, red, purple, yellow and green.
Yes, the dog ate the kids’ crayons again.
Yale Hollander, of West St. Louis County is an attorney, consultant, writer, and The Raconteur. Check out his Twitter feed @TheRaconteurSTL and become a fan of the column (“The Raconteur – St. Louis Globe Democrat”) on Facebook.
Comments
shbaron (anonymous) says...
Enjoyed the column once again. Very funny. And I actually like plaid pants - so bring on Spring!
March 16, 2010 at 11:23 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
MoparConvertible (anonymous) says...
Glad to see a great article in my Globe, thank you Sahib !
March 16, 2010 at 4:45 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
hollande (anonymous) says...
Great column as usual. Daddy
March 17, 2010 at 2:02 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
reinheardt (anonymous) says...
Yale - Great column and happy to see that you are using your immense talents to entertain the masses. I was amused to see that you thought your summers in Wendell's office were "enjoyable." Seems like yesterday . . . Christy (remember me?)
March 18, 2010 at 8:59 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
pshollander (anonymous) says...
Love reading your column. And by the way I got your spring training joke.
March 24, 2010 at 4:32 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
Gregg (anonymous) says...
Is this a new column? I've been reading On Commerce, thinking I was staying up-to-date with your oeuvre.
March 25, 2010 at 5:42 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )